Fun page

Creative things we can all learn to do with a dead horse ...

2010-09-15T01:40:00.000-07:00

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

- Buying a stronger whip.

- Changing riders.

- Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

- Appointing a committee to study the horse.

- Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

- Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

- Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
- Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

- Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
- Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
- Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
- Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
- Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
- Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
- Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
- Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
- Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
- Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
- Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
- Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
- Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Source: Reflection on Business (or is it government) today

Behold I stand here to tell you to laugh a little, its good for you

2010-09-10T02:37:00.000-07:00

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Source: http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/Knock-at-the-Door.html

If nobody is available, shoot away and hope for the best

2010-09-05T23:49:00.000-07:00

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again."

Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Source: unknown

Humorous letter: Mr Haytha complains to Mr Clint

2010-08-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Clift:

I am a creature of habit. This fact has gotten me into trouble in numerous ways. I have a habit of kicking my dog when I'm mad at my wife. This worked well while we had Terriers, Chihuahuas or Dachshunds. But then we acquired a Newfoundland, 170 pounds, mean sucker. He took umbrage with my habit and bit me. I kicked him again, 'cause now I was really angry and he bit me again. I quickly decided I was not going to win this fiasco. I controlled my desire to kick; he controlled his desire to bite. However, I was still angry at my wife.

Another habit I have is to stay in the same motel and in the same room if I can whenever I travel to a certain place. For example, I travel to Troy, Michigan every month. Have done so for years. The company I consult with is right next door to your Courtyard Marriott. I stay there so often they know me. I almost always get a room between 125 and 135.

My secretary makes reservations for me three to six months ahead of time. In September, she made reservations for me for October, November and December 1993. She obtained a confirmation number for each month.

However, when I arrived at my Courtyard Marriott in Troy on 12 October at 8:30 pm, tired and weary, I was told I had no reservation and no room. Interestingly, they had my reservations for November and December.

My confirmation number for the nights of October 12 and 13 was 9877632.

How can this happen, sir? I thought confirmation numbers were sufficient, but now I find I will need another level of assurance. Do you have any suggestions for me for future bookings? Or, do I need to start kicking the cat like I did when I realized the Newfoundland had the upper paw?

Sincerely,

Alvin J Haytha

Source: unknown

On a hunch they tried to replace Quasimodo, but it was a bad pun

2010-08-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.

The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

Wait for it ... wait for it ...

"I don't know his name" replied the Bishop, "But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs ... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop ...

"I don't know his name ... but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Things Mama taught me

2010-08-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

MAMA TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC':
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
MAMA TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MAMA TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD:

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you won't get a good job."

MAMA TAUGHT ME ... ESP:
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when you are cold?"
MAMA CHALLENGED ME:
"What were you thinking? Answer when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me."
MAMA TAUGHT ME ... HUMOR:
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
MAMA TAUGHT ME ... HOW TO BE AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
MAMA TAUGHT ME ABOUT ... SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
MAMA TAUGHT ME ABOUT ... GENETICS:
"You are just like your father."
MAMA TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY ... ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
MAMA TAUGHT ME ABOUT ... THE WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
MAMA TAUGHT ME ABOUT ... ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
MAMA TAUGHT ME ABOUT ... RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home."
AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING ... JUSTICE:
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."

Source: http://javacasa.com/humor/reallife.htm

A very funny story about a rather crazy insurance claim

2010-08-13T03:27:00.000-07:00

Some stories tell themselves - they are funny enough to require no embellishment. I think this story is true, though I have heard it before. Certainly here its originality is claimed by the author. I almost choked on my tea reading it, its just so outrageous. Hope you enjoy.

I'm watching you

2010-08-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend , or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his truck in front of Mildred's house... walked home.. and left it there all night.

Source: www.squiddo.com

Image source: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3561/3465800038_25ed01074e.jpg

No worry, your first days here will be a bris

2010-07-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room - the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Source: http://www.squidoo.com/

A brief history of time

2010-07-28T05:03:00.000-07:00

3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to come to the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia!

1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.

1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.

1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream.

1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!

1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.

1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.

1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

Source: www.sqidoo.com